Back To The Past: Immaculate Conception, Indulgence Peddling & Re-Virginization

After reading Dalrock’s outstanding article regarding the more outlandish and hypocritical notions of certain “christian” lasses I just had to jump into the religious snake pit as well. Because being an amateur historian I believe the point we have reached in time and the present state of Christianity in a warped sense eerily resembles the era just prior to reformation.

So. In 15th century Europe the Catholic church was in disarray, in a deeply corrupt state. There was widespread fornication. The pope was publically whoring around and then openly bestowing positions of power, prestige and privilege to his sons (which he of course officially was forbidden to even have in the first place). Heck, the pope even had his private army ravaging through Italy. Ignorance was endemic (just like today), heretics and nonconformists were burned on stakes (just like tomorrow?) and in general manic craziness reigned supreme in an era of ferocious frenzy where things got ugly on a daily basis.

Inmidst of this wonderful maelstrom of malarkey, this cesspit of sin, double standards and universal craziness you had certain shrewd church officials who developed radical new notions of profitting from the mayhem surrounding them. I am of course refering to Johann Tetzel, a cunning snake oil salesman gentleman who became famous for peddling selling indulgences to the ignorant masses. Essentially, what he did was to claim to be in direct correspondence with the divine and thus to offer absolution for cash. Murder? Rape? Sodomy? Theft? No problem. Fork over some spandooly and all is forgiven…that was, in essence, how Johann’s scheme operated. He even had his own motto:

As soon as money in the coffer rings, the soul from purgatory’s fire springs.”

And boy did he cash in. Which brings me to the present. Reading the mindless, hypocritical bleatings and insufferable breyings of Sheila Gregoire about how christian women are not like that (CWANLT) and how they are, in truth, precious, pristine, virtuous, clean and just all out wonderful fruitcakes princesses made me gibber and gyrate from all the holy moly belony. But not to fret. This isn’t madness. This is SPARTAAAA an opportunity. See we should be shrewd like good old Johann Tetzel. We should restart the ancient and timeless art of indulgence peddling.

Hoho, imagine the daft old dingbats. We could ordain some men from the MRM and sell the damsels absolution. You had sex with 3343555550500009445 bad boys while hubby was chained to the chair and had to watch? No problem, it’s not your fault. And even if it is, even if you’re dirty now you can become clean and immaculate once again. Buttercups, just enter your credit card number here and for only 666$ we’ll send you your own personal absolution card with a hologram of Silvio Berlusconi Mother Theresa. Oh and for just another 666$ we can revirginalize you, reattach your hymen, rejuvenate your va-jay-jay and baptize you for good measure.

Abra Kadabra and hokus pokus. Gone are “well travelled” sluts and porn born again are noble, innocent and wonderful virgins. Isn’t that just beautiful? You bettcha.

Under The Radar

Brothers,

many apologies for my absence in recent days. I have been waltzing through the more ferocious parts of Cambodia and as such have been cut of from any effective internet connection. However, I will soon once more arrive in Vietnam and from then onwards resume writing regular articles.

All the best,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Umslopogaas