Back To The Past: Immaculate Conception, Indulgence Peddling & Re-Virginization

After reading Dalrock’s outstanding article regarding the more outlandish and hypocritical notions of certain “christian” lasses I just had to jump into the religious snake pit as well. Because being an amateur historian I believe the point we have reached in time and the present state of Christianity in a warped sense eerily resembles the era just prior to reformation.

So. In 15th century Europe the Catholic church was in disarray, in a deeply corrupt state. There was widespread fornication. The pope was publically whoring around and then openly bestowing positions of power, prestige and privilege to his sons (which he of course officially was forbidden to even have in the first place). Heck, the pope even had his private army ravaging through Italy. Ignorance was endemic (just like today), heretics and nonconformists were burned on stakes (just like tomorrow?) and in general manic craziness reigned supreme in an era of ferocious frenzy where things got ugly on a daily basis.

Inmidst of this wonderful maelstrom of malarkey, this cesspit of sin, double standards and universal craziness you had certain shrewd church officials who developed radical new notions of profitting from the mayhem surrounding them. I am of course refering to Johann Tetzel, a cunning snake oil salesman gentleman who became famous for peddling selling indulgences to the ignorant masses. Essentially, what he did was to claim to be in direct correspondence with the divine and thus to offer absolution for cash. Murder? Rape? Sodomy? Theft? No problem. Fork over some spandooly and all is forgiven…that was, in essence, how Johann’s scheme operated. He even had his own motto:

As soon as money in the coffer rings, the soul from purgatory’s fire springs.”

And boy did he cash in. Which brings me to the present. Reading the mindless, hypocritical bleatings and insufferable breyings of Sheila Gregoire about how christian women are not like that (CWANLT) and how they are, in truth, precious, pristine, virtuous, clean and just all out wonderful fruitcakes princesses made me gibber and gyrate from all the holy moly belony. But not to fret. This isn’t madness. This is SPARTAAAA an opportunity. See we should be shrewd like good old Johann Tetzel. We should restart the ancient and timeless art of indulgence peddling.

Hoho, imagine the daft old dingbats. We could ordain some men from the MRM and sell the damsels absolution. You had sex with 3343555550500009445 bad boys while hubby was chained to the chair and had to watch? No problem, it’s not your fault. And even if it is, even if you’re dirty now you can become clean and immaculate once again. Buttercups, just enter your credit card number here and for only 666$ we’ll send you your own personal absolution card with a hologram of Silvio Berlusconi Mother Theresa. Oh and for just another 666$ we can revirginalize you, reattach your hymen, rejuvenate your va-jay-jay and baptize you for good measure.

Abra Kadabra and hokus pokus. Gone are “well travelled” sluts and porn born again are noble, innocent and wonderful virgins. Isn’t that just beautiful? You bettcha.

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10 comments on “Back To The Past: Immaculate Conception, Indulgence Peddling & Re-Virginization

  1. Suz says:

    Great picture! I want a whole case of those kits – I know some women who need to be beaten over the head with them.
    Good on you for bringing up Johann Tetzel. We need to remember that such corruption has always been a part of the church. As long as Christianity has power it will attract power-hungry predators; their hypocrisy is why I left “organized religion” behind. But maybe I’m just being lazy. If the faithful can be taught by these sleaze-o’s, perhaps they can be taught some genuine morality.

    • Umslopogaas says:

      Hi there,
      heh…yeah I think I should open a shop and start selling them online. I’ve even seriously considered this entire indulgence stuff. I mean….if for nothing else it would make for a great humorous birthday present. Maybe I need to go down with the prize though.

      Just have a sexy looking template with shiny stuff on it….and then input the name, print it and send it to the shmucks each and any time they order absolution.

      Oh and yeah…on a more serious note I totally hear you on the organized religion thingy. I’m nominally catholic myself. But I don’t much enjoy going to church. To many smarmy court cringers and watered down P.C. churchianity. It reeks of weakness and corruption. I think I would enjoy a real religious experience, fire and brimstone…the whole shebang.

      In any case I – just like you – believe in spirituality, I just have my own way towards it. Ironically I think it was feminism and my experiences with western women which reactivated my faith. Because if feminism cometh directly from hell…haha….and I certainly believe so sometimes…then there must exist the opposite – heaven – as well.

  2. Wow. I love it. I hadn’t ever thought about how the current model – of feminism and the church’s desire to sell their women as pure, virginal saints – related to the old one of indulgences so well. Man, I wonder what kind of backlash this will create when people start to realize exactly whats going on and society is all forced to take the red pill; or atleast, I hope at some point we reach that. It’ll mean we’ve won the war. The alternative is to slip into a never ending lost generation of asexual men dominated by masculine feminists at the top and a mass of sad women. Which is how I imagine the US version of Japan’s ‘Lost Generation’ would be.

    Also, great work on the strike outs. They were hilarious.

    • umslopogaas says:

      @Leap:

      Many thanks. Yes, truly rot is rot…and history is nought but a spiral of eternal repetition.

      In a sense it’s sad, in a sense it’s hilarious: mankind is doomed to play out the same acts of a demented soap opera again and again and again…we never learn and we never truly change. Only in detail…the permutations are different…the fundamentals are the same.

      “All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.” as the Cylons say.

      And, yes, I too believe we will have to live through at least one lost generation of ghosts. And this worries me. Because I fear that western women – instead of connecting the dots and comprehending cause and effect – will react viciously to what they will perceive as us having abandoned them.

      How did Shakespear phrase it? Hell hath not fury like a woman scorned…

      Well, if things go badly we will have an entire generation of women flying off the carousel after their While E. Coyote moment and then not finding anybody willing to marry to rancid, dripping oft used flesh.

      So what kind of fury can we expect from an entire generation of women scorned?

  3. Haha, yep. That was how he said it.

    “So what kind of fury can we expect from an entire generation of women scorned?”

    I’m guessing a rise of verbal abuse towards men, possibly increased physical as well. Increased behavior to try and get pregnant (lying about the pill, condom holes, mouth to vagina transfers). Pregnancies from sperm banks on an increased level with a push (hopefully denied) to try and hold the donor accountable.

    Then all the negative consequences of raising a child as a single mother… Across a whole generation.

    Atleast, thats if it gets to that point. Hopefully it won’t, but I don’t have much hope.

    • umslopogaas says:

      @Suz:

      Hey there…for some weird reason my comments keep vanishing on your blog after I’ve written them.

      I wrote one expressing my condolences regarding the death of your dog and now one on the above linked thread.

      Do you have any idea what’s up?

  4. umslopogaas says:

    @Leap:

    I’m guessing a rise of verbal abuse towards men, possibly increased physical as well. Increased behavior to try and get pregnant (lying about the pill, condom holes, mouth to vagina transfers). Pregnancies from sperm banks on an increased level with a push (hopefully denied) to try and hold the donor accountable.

    Aye vis a vis increased verbal and physical abuse of men. Imo, misandry will rise proportionately to the level of male rejection of aged females (would be interesting in itself if somebody would research this subject, i.e. is it linked atm? Which age bracket of women is most prone towards misandry?)

    The pregnancy racket will fail, however, imo. Simply because with the advent of the male contraceptive pill this will increasingly become unfeasible for women. Of course this dynamic alone will probably lead to all kinds of hell:

    “If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned….how much more fury can we expect from a woman hitched on ‘babies rabies’ denied procreation?” *shivers*

    Then all the negative consequences of raising a child as a single mother… Across a whole generation

    Heh, yeah indeed. To view the outcome of that particular dynamic…just watch “Clockwork Orange”. It’s an excellent movie and most clearly depicts all those pathologies we can expect, yeeeeeees.

  5. finndistan says:

    In a place where virginity is actually important,

    I knew of women who used chicken liver in their vajayjay to stimulate a broken hymen.

    And that is not really isolated cases.

    Wanna guess if those women ever used the “you broke me, you marry me” line?

    • umslopogaas says:

      Heh, you bet.

      But how creative! Chicken liver? Wow. This is news to me, if disgusting news.

      Keke, finding an authentic virgin in the West at this day and age is about as likely as winning the lotterie.

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